Thursday, April 28, 2011

To all of you

So it's my second day of vacation and I feel like I need to acknowledge some things that I have noticed in my stats section of the blog. Before I move forward though, I will say that I am completely obsessed with the stats section. It makes me feel like a small child every time I see a new visit using new search terms, people from other countries or using all kinds of OS's.

Here are some of the stats I would like to thank for putting so many smirks on my face (this is in addition to the people I know that come on here to read the same drivel that has been in audio form from my mouth for years).

  • Within the first week I had two visits from Singapore. How they found this dumb American waste of bandwidth and digital space I will never know.
  • During the past month I have also had two visits from Russia another visit from Singapore along with single visits from The UK, Germany and Peru. I thank ye and would not hold it against you if I am used as another example of American tom-foolery.
  • Stats from day one: Somehow I have one visit each from an iPod, iPad and Linux operating systems. It's good to see Linux making a subtle appearance on it's ever slow but steady rise to world domination. I make fun of it, but I do that to show my respect (it's how I am). Two visits from Unix based systems, please see joke about Linux.
Search Terms that I like to see:

  • In the past 24 hours I see two search terms that I love: 'i speak four languages' 'Burlington Coat Factory' and ''burlington coat factory commercial french lady".
  • Overall five searches for the Toyota Highlander commercial where the idiot doesn't know how to drive. While I'm on this topic, I have watched that commercial multiple times and still never see a "professional driver on closed course" message. My response: "No shit, because he's a fucking idiot that doesn't know he has to turn left when the arrow is painted on the asphalt like that."
  • Unfortunately there is only one search that involved the word "Satan", and I think that was me. I has sad face now. Oh wait, no I don't because I'm in the motherfuckin NYC!
On a side note: Pingywebedition has been holding it's own, sending 7 visits my way to Googles 29.

It's time to go thrift store shopping now. Clarification: I am not shopping for thrift stores, but items within thrift stores.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

How dare you!

Some friends of mine are filming a short film about televangelists this weekend and anyone who knows me knows I love the entertainment they supply. It's like an endless supply of jokes and yelling logic at the screen. One of my all time favorites is Jack Van Impe and his wife Rexella. Although I love this entertainment it also infuriates me beyond belief. You want to see someone fly off the handle late night Sundays? Stop on by the house.

So I have missed a few and ended up watching one of his shows on YouTube the other day just to get my blood pressure up for fun and what I heard I've heard for years upon end while attending a Free-Will Baptist High School, but it really hit me this time. They were talking about the coming of the "New World Order", and how this showed the "end is nigh"! I started thinking about this term "New World Order". The term stems from 19th Century Evangelicals to describe the consolidation of power that leads to a "One World Government". It also has political origins in which governments attempt to reverse the status quo on a global scale.  On one side evangelicals created a term and shoved it into the world consciousness and lexicon for all to use then an entirely different version of term arises. So why is it that Jack Van Impe is so concerned when reporters and lay people use a term to describe the consolidation of power in order to change the status quo? To me, it's like he uses the political term to show in concrete terms that Armageddon is around the corner.

I turned it off after I heard him talking about the "Six World Empires" found in Daniel. They are listed as Egyptian, Assyrian, Babylonian, Persian, Greek, Roman  and a "player to be named later" Empires. It's amazing that these Empires are considered "World Empires" conquering the "known world". So I guess we can throw out the massive Chinese, Japanese, Mayan, Incan, Aztec and any other significant empires as we see fit? Look, just because it wasn't known to the writer doesn't mean that these empires didn't exist. They did and had major impact on the world why not include them? I'm fairly certain that somebody "knew" about them. It could be a case of creating a "loophole" and using the word "known" gets them out of not having to account for the rest of the world and I could be overreacting, but this type of creative interpretation drives me up a fucking wall.

If anyone ever wonders why I don't believe what I don't believe it's because of this crap. I spent sixteen and half years listening to either white-washed, inaccurate or fully fabricated accounts of history. I for one accept this "impending doom!" and look forward to the "Rapture" of "The Church" so I can live in peace and not have to hear another argument about why "Jesus is the 'only way' and everyone else is wrong". To put it in the simplest terms imaginable (although those last two words may be a bit too long/complicated if I am using 'simplest' terms), I DON'T CARE!

If only

My mind is constantly running while I'm awake and often while I sleep. With that amount time just doing what it does I occasional have thoughts and scenarios that make me grin and possibly laugh out loud with people around me thinking "Fuck, another psycho that's going to ruin my brunch".  Here are some thoughts that have made me laugh and I actually want to see happen in real life:

  • As mentioned in a previous post: I would laugh my ass off if I could see a supped up Honda flying down the road, redline the hell out of it and blow an engine. I used to live off a busy street and would hear these assholes gun it at three o'clock in the morning just wishing it would happen.
  • In the dead of winter I want to say "it's my belief in Satan that keeps me warm" and right at that point a violent ground up-heavel with Satan appearing just to say, "Happy now?"
  • On the reverse side of the last one: I want to complain about the Southern heat in the summer and have Satan appear just to say, "Are you fucking serious?"
  • The Matrix, but only for an hour and a half or so. After that it would be boring and predictable with shitty acting.
  • A human conversation spoken entirely in Binary.
  • Satanists at a Pro-Life rally.
I need more to make this complete...If you have any that you would want to share please do.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Ohh you sleek corporations

Time for a good old fashion rant about something completely meaningless.

I just received an e-mail from Apple telling me that an iPod touch was the perfect Mother's Day gift. Let me now make some points about why this irritates the shit out of me and since I can't do bullets in this view it will look a bit odd.

1. I don't celebrate holidays since I believe they are all bullshit Corporate driven days engrained into the American psyche to spend money and express emotions toward family and friends only once (maybe twice) a year.

2. I talk to my mom all the time and have a pretty decent relationship with her. I tell her all the time how much I love and appreciate her. Why in the hell do I need to purchase her an iPod touch to remind her of all this?

Here are some hypothetical issues that could have arisen from such blind advertising:

1. What if my mother was a senile 83 year old lady that has cataracts and can't see well enough to use this amazing iPod touch. Dicks!

2. What if my mother were deceased? Enough said on this one. Assholes!

3. My mother could be a vegetable living off a feeding tube, but you know I think this fantastic iPod touch will be a better gift than living life outside of the ICU!

Good job Apple for pissing me off today!

Friday, April 15, 2011

First things first

I was numbing my mind the other day in the most American way (watching television) and saw some shit that confused the shit out of me.

  • Humanity did not need or want the first "Fast and Furious" much less the three that followed, yet somehow we are again saddled with another installment. I see these movies as the only means in which Hollywood can keep Paul Walker employed until his career "breaks". Unfortunately this franchise could still go on in the event of his death, just look at "Tokyo Drift".
  • The Toyota Highlander commercial is filled with shenanigans. I'm talking about the one that shows off it's backseat passenger entertainment system where the kid in the next car has had to endure his parents singing the same song for six hours and begs his chum for assistance. Firstly, the little bastard whose parents own the Highlander would have his ass beat the next day in school for being a complete douche bag to his school mate. Secondly, the Highlander is in a turning lane, yet proceeds to go straight. Hey asshole learn to drive.
  • I again found my way to the local Fox channel and proceeded to yell at the announcer as he said "Fox Charlotte's". Okay now, I have been silently complaining about this shit to my friends for years, it now needs to be documented on the internet. Look, either use "Charlotte's Fox" or "Fox Charlotte", but I swear to all that is unholy if it is not changed I will beat the next small child i pass on the street.
I promptly turned off the television at this point and read a book. I guess this is a "win" for me.

I have found another one:

  • The new Burlington Coat Factory commercial. There are two women at a bakery and woman one says something in a French accent. Woman two asks what accent it was or something along those lines to which Woman one responds "French. I speak four languages fluently". The only response woman two has is "I just bought my daughters four dress for $50". Really? First off, woman one is rude as shit the entire time and needs to be taken down a peg. Just because you speak four languages doesn't mean you can be an ass about it. Secondly, what kind of fucking response is that. Although the first woman is rude, does buying four dresses for $50 really compare at this point? Dumb!
And another one:
  • There is a new Bayer commercial that has a man on a plane complaining about a headache and the flight attendant offers him Bayer Aspirin. The man replies that he doesn't have a back ache. She GIVES him the Bayer pills which he takes. At the end of the commercial the man turns to the attendant and says "Thanks for the tip".  I don't know about you, but I don't consider giving someone a pill for a headache a tip. To me a tip is something like this: "Oh, you have a headache? You should try some Bayer Aspirin" then that person purchases and tries Bayer Aspirin. In that sense a tip is a useful hint or an idea. The commercial's premise is not a hint or an idea it was an offer that was accepted and solved a problem. Am I seeing this incorrectly?

I sincerely wish I could give awards for idiocy at this point.

Note: In looking at the stats for this blog I noticed that someone found it by doing a Google search for "Toyota Highlander Commercial wrong lane". Thank you! I did my own search and found the commercial on YouTube with some comments about the Highlander being in the wrong lane. I guess I hit on something here without realizing it. Fucking Win!

Just don't know.

There are a shit ton of things that baffle me, but certain phrases baffle me the most. Here are a two:


  • "I guess the Devil is beating his Wife": 
    • This is said by Southerners when it's raining, but the sun is shining. I asked someone about this once and the response I received baffled me more than the actual phrase. Response follows: "We say that because it's unnatural for the sun to be shining while it's raining". Okay people, I can understand that is odd for the sun to be shining as it's pouring rain on your head, but what is unnatural about the Devil beating his wife? Is it in the thought that the devil is gay and should have a husband? Then yes, this may make sense, but I highly doubt this is the thought of such people that use this phrase. If the Devil has a wife and this is not the unnatural part then logically it would have to be the part about the Devil beating it's spouse, and what is so unnatural about that? Since the Devil is deemed to be all things evil and wrong this seems like it would be a perfectly natural act. This phrase is now deemed bullshit and should not be used.
  • "Seems like there's trouble in paradise"
    • Used when someone asks how your relationship is going and the response is not positive. Yeah relationships and marriages (the right ones) can certainly be blissful, but lets take a look at the human idea of paradise. Paradise can mean many things to many people, but I'm going to focus on a widely used version of paradise; a serene beach setting. We, the human race, idealize this as if nothing other sun and fun happens in this setting while overlooking the fact that if this were the case no clouds, rain or other life giving action (random creatures fucking and making strange animal sex noises at all hours of the day/night) would happen in this place. Ohh, look a baby sloth and lush vegetation I wonder how all that happened? I'll tell you to reiterate: clouds, rain and animal fucking. Shit happens in relationships that isn't always rays of sun and sand between your toes (then eventually in your crotch chafing the shit out of sensitive areas). Get use to it!
What are some of the phrases which baffle you and why?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

About time!

I've been scouring the internet for DIY screen-printing sites and found some good ones so I went hunting through some thrift stores today. I ended up with enough material to make three screens for $23.

It may seem like I was talking out of my ass about creating a screen print company for the past five years, but I was serious just without the time or resources to make it happen. After talking with the Astrologist the other week I realized that my five year funk also contributed to this, so it's on now. It really seems like the stars have aligned and set things up so we can kick start this shit into gear which makes me ecstatic. Hell, unless it was a lady situation I haven't been excited about a thing since Fleshhouse was playing shows and making the Milestone one huge raw meat food fight.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Updates

I apologize for the lack of updates recently. I've been trying to move some writings over from another notebook and it's been labor intensive. There are other things that have been going on as well:

1. Started "Poker Night" on Saturdays. The day I usually relax and write shit down.
2. Futbol season has started. Saturday's as well.
3. Attempting to clear some shit out if my garage. I really need to live a more simple life.
Yes, I will donate the things I don't want/need to keep and I will take the largest
deduction on my taxes. Everything combined will probably me more than that anyway.
4. I have planned another trip to NYC for the end of April. Too much ridiculousness has been
floating around and I need a relaxing vacation. Yes, I do find NYC more relaxing than a
week at the beach. I hate the beach. All that down time thinking about life, that's what I
do here. That is not an escape for me.
5. There has been movement on the A.D.D. front which I really exciting.

Okay, now you are all in the loop.