Saturday, May 28, 2011

Another Getaway!

Folks, I'll be in what is referred to in the South as the "ATL" for the weekend. Two of my really amazing good friends just bought their first house and there is a housewarming party going down tonight.

Maybe this weekend will give me a shit ton of new topics that range from "planned obsolescence", "music", "movies", "communism", "capitalism" and the like.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Theory Number 2

I have numerous theories about a lot of different shit and this is one of my favorites. It comes with a little back story so bear with me for a moment.

When I was a poor young punk rock kid going to school full time and working 30 hours a week the only place I could afford to live was this shitty ass little trailer with one of my friends. This was not just any trailer in just any small podunk town, this was a trailer in the middle of what is referred to as "The Slide" in Gaston County. "The Slide" is known for two things: Meth Labs and the sounds of Rifles firing at all hours of the day/night (read Rednecks into that description). The perfect place for punk rock kids to hang out. Being poor and punk rock we were locked in to just a few beer choices: Milwaukee's Best, any type of 40 and PBR to name some. We decided that on this particular night to go with the PBR choice, bottles not cans which was probably the wrong selection. This certain batch of PBR was the most horrendous batch I have ever had. It tasted like spoiled hamburger meat. That is the night I conceived of this theory.

PBR cans showcase that they have won a Blue Ribbon as America's Best selection. This Blue Ribbon was won in 1893 and I posit that PBR has not brewed a new batch since that Blue Ribbon was won. That's 118 years of beer stockpiled in their warehouse, just sitting there until the next wave of poor, young American kids discover the only way they can get drunk for cheap is this America's Best Selection of 1893.

The Oppressive Heat begins!

I stepped out of my house around 2:00 pm today and hit a huge wall of moisture (it almost felt like walking through really thin Jello). It was 85 degrees with 58% humidity making it feel like 103 degrees. This is the start of a disgusting time period we in the South like to call "Swamp Ass Summer". Just think there are 5 more months of this. The first few weeks are the most unbearable since no one is use to this bullshit. Being that this is the first day of damn near unbearable weather I figured it would be a great time to present a theory that I have.

Would it be possible to seed areas of a city with a Kool-Aid type substance (hell with the amount of moisture in the air it could possible be done with just regular Kool-Aid)? You could use different flavors for each section. This would at least make these unbearable days a little more entertaining. Even it made everyone's clothes super sticky you wouldn't know if it was because of the humidity or the crap that is in the Kool-Aid.

One stipulation though, You could not wear white, unless it was for an awesome type of Kool-Aid Air scavenger hunt where you go from section to section trying to collect all the flavors before the sometimes non-existent wind carries it away. The only way you would win is if your clothes contained all the colors of the flavors.

The city could also rotate flavors in case a section hates grape they are not stuck with it for the entire summer.

It would also make giving directions really cool. "So you take a left at the Arby's, a right on First and it's the fifth street on the left. If you hit cherry flavor, you have gone too far. You need to stay in Tropical Fruit."

Friday, May 20, 2011

Quick Question

If the Rapture is suppose to happen 5/21/2011 6:00 pm local time and it rolls through each time zone I now have questions.

  1. Does this mean I can avoid the Rapture if I board a plane beforehand and fly towards the west where I never have to be in a time during 6:00 pm?
  2. Which Time Zone does it start off rapturing people? Are we going with GMT first? EST?
I need answers people. It's not like I'm going to be raptured, but I have a curious mind. Logically, does this mean that God needs an hour long rest between rapturing?

Where would you  go if you were "Left Behind"? Me, I would go to the Biltmore Estate and touch all the shit they won't allow my grubby little hands the pleasure of touching. Plus they have an indoor bowling alley, swimming pool and a ton of other cool shit!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bucket List!

First of all "Bucket List" is a fucking lame way to say "this is all the awesome shit I want to do before the Human Race obliterates itself off the face of the earth or I get hit by some idiot in an SUV on the highway while they attempt to smack the hell out of their child in the third row seating.  Either way this will be a running list of awesomeness.

  1. I want to create a t-shirt so offensive that it elicits a legitimate death threat. (Maybe this should be at the end of the "Bucket List").
  2. I want to fly out to Los Angeles, stand in front of a Gold's Gym with floor to ceiling windows that face the street and eat the most massive, disgusting cheeseburger while drinking a 40 and smoking cigarettes.
  3.  I want to completely pad the entire interior of a bus, get a shit ton of protective equipment, climb inside the bus and have rolled on it's side down a hill.
  4. I don't want anyone to actually attempt the last one because this is for comical purposes only and I don't need people dying over something completely mundane and stupid. If anyone tries it I am not responsible because that they did not have the proper IQ to take this as a joke.
  5. I want to be the Satanist at a pro-life rally. *Note: I am not a Satanist because it is seriously the dumbest thing imaginable. Okay, well maybe Scientology is the dumbest thing imaginable, Satanism is a close as hell second. By Satanism I mean that Anton LaVey bullshit that is basically a modern form of hedonism.
  6. I want to close off a section of the interstate (with legal permission and proper safety precautions/equipment), affix tires to the outside of my car and a couple of others, and play real life bumper cars. A dirt pit would work as well for this scenario.
  7. I want to sleep for an entire 24 hours, again. It was probably my greatest achievement to date and I would like to go for a second round.
  8. I want to participate in a sleep study and have them be amazed at the amount I can sleep.
  9. I want you to read this list and think to yourself, "This is fucking dumb. Who ever is typing this pedestrian excuse for a "Bucket List" needs to save the world time and stop blogging".

Monday, May 9, 2011

Stats, stats and more stats!

I'm just going to throw out some numbers: 177 (number of views last month), 334 (number of views all time), 4 (number of views from Germany and Singapore), 1 (number of views directed from a Russian porn site) and over 9,000 (penises referred to in that Oprah YouTube video).

That 177 number means I have averaged almost 6 views a day. I will make it my mission to be far more awesome than 6 views a day.

How will I accomplish this? Talk about more Satan, Jesus, Southern ridiculousness and baby fetuses.

Note: whoever used the search term "guy in bayer commercial is a fucking idiot" to get here the other day, please come back because that was fucking amazing!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

This is how things should be!

I haven't seen the pictures of President Obama watching the live feed on the Usama bin Laden "take down" and I want to never see it because I think the version in my head is much better than anything reality could offer. 

Every time I hear someone mention that he had that live feed I imagine the President with a giant cola and bag of popcorn sitting on the edge of a very comfy movie seat in the White House theater. It would be like me watching a thriller movie. Occasionally wishing the douche bag in the row in front of me would shut the hell up. In this case that douche bag would be played by Biden making highly inappropriate comments at the screen and telling his friend across the theater (Clinton) that they should meet up after the viewing for drinks.

I also like to think that the President invited James Cameron to the viewing just to ask him a shit ton of questions about how difficult it would be to get a copy of this thing in 3D. 

I also see Clinton as the type of person that would be yelling at the screen "Don't go through that door" He's in there waiting for you!". 

At some point the usher would have come through and ask Eric Holder if he had a ticket and throwing him out for the pack of M&M's that he hid in his jacket instead of purchasing them at the concession counter.  

In essence I like to think of these people being just like us.